Shades of Love

I stared out through the glass; head tilted against the train window. I was searching for a thought to grasp onto, one out of many running through my mind. It was silly of me to be surprised at the one I chose.

The pain instantly found its way into my chest, causing me to wince. At times, I had to ask myself if I enjoyed it. It was something I’d put myself through more frequently. Patiently, eyes closed, I whispered. Hold on, it will pass, just wait it out. Continue reading

Denial or Acceptance?

He sat in shock by the pain of betrayal and speratation as his eyes filled with tears. Looking around the empty room, he thought its best to sit here and watch his word burn. Razors to wrist, the fan and the rope or the traffice on the roads, all had crossed his mind.

He was on the verge of meltdown but before he could there were questions in his mind he wanted answers to.  He wanted to know if it was that easy for her to walk away. He wanted to stare into her eyes and know if it is hurting her ,taking her breath away like his. But that moment was long gone. “Please tell me that i cannot love you anymore”, the last he could say before she left. Broken, hurt, adandoned, just watching his life wash away. The pain was excruciating, felt like it was crushing his soul.

But she was gone forever, leaving nothing but the memories. Memories that he will drag, memories that will haunt him forever.

 

आँखों में नमी थी , दिल में कमी
हम मुस्कुराते रहे फिर भी
क्युकी उनके चेहरे पर हंसी थी

 

Loneliness

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Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. Things that are distracting, disturbing and making me think back on my life decisions. But I realized, sometimes life makes you go through so much, brings you full circle to a place you’ve been to before just to show how much you have grown. Amidst the storm in your heart and war with you mind, you remember the last time you were here. “Its’ all for the best”, “You’ll get over with it”,”Time heals everything” and more that was said to you. These are all well-meant, caring words people tend to say when someone they know or love is hurt. Sometimes you don’t know what to say back to them but this time you know that these phrases make things worse. Telling someone who has lost their loved ones that times heals will not help them in the raw pain they are in that very moment.

But have you ever stopped and thought about why you feel hurt when you’re in a relationship? Continue reading

“I still love you…”

Sometimes loving you from all my heart is not enough,

Sometimes being loyal with you be of any worth,

How hard I cry, it won’t really matter,

She would never notice my heart that’s completely shattered…

I am in a shrill pain of the unseen wounds,

Trying to figure out whether any medicine would ever be a boon?

After all the possible ways to make you stay,

Whether it was to change myself or mend my way…

You said that I no longer have a space in your life,

And it’s better for me to search for some other reasons to be alive…

Ok! Dear I will move away from you…

So much far that my existence in your life will have no clue!

You will soon be able to wash my memories away,

And replace me with much more better things of this world’s bay!

But one thing that would always be in your possession,

A memoir that could have no other substitution…

That would be my HEART that you had once taken away,

And promised to treasure it till the doom’s day!

Do have a look someday on that meaningless thing,

You will always find your presence in each of its limbs…

You will find something written if you carefully view,

It says, “Dear, I still love you…”

I wanted to Believe

 I couldn’t text you back yet today
Because I don’t know how to 
Act like I am just your friend. 
Like I have not been more 
Intimate with you in some ways 
Than I have been with anyone.
Laid my heart completely open 
For you all over 
Your bedroom. 
I want to be able to have a 
Normal, nice healthy conversation 
But I want to ask you 
Why I do not intrigue you
The way I used to. 
I want to ask why
We couldn’t be happy together. 
I want to call your phone and
Leave a sad poem I did not 
Write onto your voicemail so
You will feel 
What I feel. 
Or perhaps 
Soon you will feel 
Nothing for me any longer 
And that will feel 
Like relief. 
You do not look to me
To soothe your ache. 
I want to believe it isn’t me 
That friends and lovers do not 
Run away screaming because 
They finally see my darkness
And so I appear to them less sane.
I thought our demons could 
Play together
And that I could have 
Your children. 
You are an illusion 
I believed into being. 

And in the end, it’s not so bad…

And really, in the end,
it’s not so bad.

Maybe Iam dying quicker than the most,
or maybe I am dying right on time.
and people’s hearts are heavy
just like mine.

They’ll keep us anchored to the world
when life threatens to wash us away.

We are all ships lost at the sea,
and the northern star doesnt always
reign where we can see.

I might be sinking but atleast this life
will have filled my bones right.

I can now leave knowing
the universe left its mark on me.

In the end,
it’s not so bad.

At all..

I was trying to tell you I was not okay.
The pause I took to make sure that I don’t spill the truth.
The way my eyes roamed around like lost marbles.
The way goosebumps lingered around my skin like hives.
And I couldn’t keep my feet planted to the ground.
Keeping my hands in a fist inside my sweater pocket.
To try and sustain myself and hide my sweaty palms.
You only listened to the fake words that slipped out of my lips.
I guess no one ever told you that sometimes words don’t mean a thing.

Thank You!!!

As the year 2013 is coming to an end, here I am with my blog trying to relive the complete year once again and getting myself ready for the one that’s arriving. 

Last year too, it was an emotional moment when I bid adieu to the year 2012 and entered 2013 with new resolutions, challenges, expectations and a few fantasies. But as it is said, life isn’t going to give us what we want; instead it gives us what we deserve. Well, the two resolutions that I took for the year 2013 went down in the first 10 days but this year there are no resolutions. Because I know that this year’s going to be different; full of surprises and beautiful moments. 

People who know me very well also know that fact that I am very very very bad at saying thank you or wishing people back when they wish me. I know this is a bit late now but before this year comes to an end, I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who made the year 2013 worth cherishing.

First and the foremost thank you goes to the almighty for giving this life and giving me such wonderful family. Mom & Dad, you are the best parents on this entire planet and my dumbo brother Shubham; yes I love you too. 

Sunny Bhaiya & Neetu Bhabhi, I don’t know how to thank you for the happiness that you gave to our complete family. Thank you for giving birth to such a sweet baby boy. Trust me, we will get a wonderful name for him soon. Rukku di & Jeeju, you too have filled our lives with equal joy & smiles, bringing Darshi into our lives. Thank you for everything.

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Shilpa & Hitakshi, thanks a ton for being the angels of friendship in my life. Thanks for listening to me when I was depressed and down, for guiding me through difficult times, for giving valuable comments when I sought advice and making me laugh with your silly talks. You two have played a very important role in making me what I am today. Hitakshi, I don’t have words to describe what you mean to me. You are a lifeline, not only to me but to every single friend you have out there, be it Prasan, me or anyone else. Shilpa, you are and will always be the best girl I have ever met in my life; a gem of a person; talented and on the top of it an awesome friend. Thanks for being just a call away for me!!!
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Bhavya, the cute innocent guy, who listens to everything I say and nods his head in approval. Dude you are one hell of a guy. Don’t give up your simplicity and innocence for anything. Sorry for all those moments when I shouted at you or talked in a rude manner. 

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Himani & Dipali Di, you two have always been there for me with your blessings and valuable suggestions whenever I am down, feeling low or don’t know which path to walk on. Thanks for being there in my life and guiding me in the journey. 

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My friends that I got in touch on Facebook, Ankita, Gaurav, Neoni, Prerna, Prashant, PD, Umakant, Priyanka, Ashwina Ma’am, Ishita, Ila, Pulkit, Diksha, Shalini, Radhika, Nitin, Swagnikaa, Sunill, Arpita Ma’am, Nitin, Rishab, Vinod, Nehali, Shrutee and many more guys whose name I am unable to recall as off now. Some of them I have already met and looking forward to meet the rest. You guys changed the whole conception of social networking and it feels like one big family when we are together. Sorry if I missed someone’s name. I am trying to recall all the names but my memory is just all messed up coz of work, work and work. 

Preeti Maa, I just can’t go on without thanking you. No matter what people said  to me about you, the  first  time we met in Jaipur, I knew you are a pure and wonderful soul with a sense of motherly care for everyone you meet. There is a reason I call you mom. I love the way you take care of me, worry if something doesn’t seem right and always advice me for my betterment. I love you mom and will always love you the way I do now.

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My friends here in Jaipur Anu, Neha, Radhika, Rohit, Pooja, Anant, Nitin, Mehul. Thank you guys!!!

Also, a big and a heartfelt thanks to my colleagues at my workplace, the team I am working with, the Genhoos! Its been 8 months now and has been an awesome journey so far. Thank you to each one of you, Yogesh, Avishek,  Kamal, Digvijay, Neeraj, Vikas, Vikram, Nikhil, Aruna, Neha, Tanuj, Yogi, Anand, Gaurav, Irshad, Manish Da, Umesh, Alok sir, Aditya Sir, Jatin Sir and everyone else I missed mentioning here. Thanks a ton for giving me memories worth cherishing.

Digvijay, a special thanks to you for being a wonderful friend and an awesome well-wisher. Your suggestions, criticism, advices have helped me groom myself into a better professional. Thanks for everything.

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In the end I would once again thank each and every person in my life for being there; praying for me & for their best wishes, suggestions and most importantly filling my life with joy, happiness and wonderful moments.

Thank you!!!

The Curse of Expectations

How ironical it is that we get up and motivate our self when we don’t meet our expectations, but go crazy, depressed and angry when others don’t meet our expectations.

And at times, when they do meet our expectations, we don’t feel much happier and the usual term used is, “I expected it that way!”. How simple and beautiful like would be if we could just stop expecting things and save ourselves from the suffering and unhappiness.

Why do we expect? This is one important question, one should be able to answer to avoid expecting and getting hurt over and over again. The answer is quite simple, we expect because we believe that people will do what they say they will do – We expect people to keep their word.

 
Now, instead of writing about why we expect and other shit things about expectations, I will directly come to the point on how we can control our expectations and live much more happily.  

  • Know what you want.
  •  Accept yourself as you are.
  • Be specific with your objectives, what you want from people and your life. In short, set your priorities straight. 
  • Directly ask the person you are expecting from about what you want and make sure that you get the answer in either ‘YES’ or ‘NO’. 
  • Develop the art of reading feelings, both self and of others. It helps us to decide or find what we actually need and will we get that or not.

I don’t know if these things will help you or not; no one can but all we can do is give it a try.  At-least is is better than sitting and wasting any more of your time waiting, hoping, and expecting. I am trying this and it is helping me. So there is a chance that it might help you too. J

Be happy, keep smiling and stop expecting.

#AloneButHappy