Who Am I?

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Who am I? Am I in control of myself? Or I am just a shadow of myself or a fragment of who I should be. Am I the salt or the water; Am I me or you; one of many or one of few? Am I a thought, a perception, dream or a nightmare? Or am I a closed book deserted in the clustered bag or on a shelf in the library. Continue reading

Girl in the Metro

5C064E41-7A4F-46A9-914F-4B8305A67FC9.jpegWho was that girl in the metro; preoccupied with her thoughts, gazing out of the window as sun settles down. Dark hairs, good looks but sad expressions… the way she sat, the far gaze, what’s wrong with here, i thought.

I wanted to ask the reason of the empty look in her crystal eyes as if life was being sucked out of her. Reason she was holding her hands under her thighs that they were almost pale. Her shoulders were down with the whatever she was going through. One could see that she was afraid if people would notice that she was not comfortable.

But as i was looking at her, she turned and our eyes met. My first thought was to look away but i didn’t nor did she. As if she wanted someone to ask her what’s wrong. But before i could say anything, a women in her late 40s sitting next to her asked, “are you all right?”. “I am, yes, I am”, she said. Panic in her voice was visible. As the station arrived, she picked her stuff in a desperate attempt to flee. As she left the metro car, i continued looking at her face; face that was carrying scars of hard life shed been through.

She finally sat on the bench, away from the dwelling eyes of curious people. And as the door closed and metro moved, i could see the tears flowing from her eyes. The pain in its raw form; i felt for her.

Denial or Acceptance?

He sat in shock by the pain of betrayal and speratation as his eyes filled with tears. Looking around the empty room, he thought its best to sit here and watch his word burn. Razors to wrist, the fan and the rope or the traffice on the roads, all had crossed his mind.

He was on the verge of meltdown but before he could there were questions in his mind he wanted answers to.  He wanted to know if it was that easy for her to walk away. He wanted to stare into her eyes and know if it is hurting her ,taking her breath away like his. But that moment was long gone. “Please tell me that i cannot love you anymore”, the last he could say before she left. Broken, hurt, adandoned, just watching his life wash away. The pain was excruciating, felt like it was crushing his soul.

But she was gone forever, leaving nothing but the memories. Memories that he will drag, memories that will haunt him forever.

 

आँखों में नमी थी , दिल में कमी
हम मुस्कुराते रहे फिर भी
क्युकी उनके चेहरे पर हंसी थी

 

Loneliness

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Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. Things that are distracting, disturbing and making me think back on my life decisions. But I realized, sometimes life makes you go through so much, brings you full circle to a place you’ve been to before just to show how much you have grown. Amidst the storm in your heart and war with you mind, you remember the last time you were here. “Its’ all for the best”, “You’ll get over with it”,”Time heals everything” and more that was said to you. These are all well-meant, caring words people tend to say when someone they know or love is hurt. Sometimes you don’t know what to say back to them but this time you know that these phrases make things worse. Telling someone who has lost their loved ones that times heals will not help them in the raw pain they are in that very moment.

But have you ever stopped and thought about why you feel hurt when you’re in a relationship? Continue reading

I wanted to Believe

 I couldn’t text you back yet today
Because I don’t know how to 
Act like I am just your friend. 
Like I have not been more 
Intimate with you in some ways 
Than I have been with anyone.
Laid my heart completely open 
For you all over 
Your bedroom. 
I want to be able to have a 
Normal, nice healthy conversation 
But I want to ask you 
Why I do not intrigue you
The way I used to. 
I want to ask why
We couldn’t be happy together. 
I want to call your phone and
Leave a sad poem I did not 
Write onto your voicemail so
You will feel 
What I feel. 
Or perhaps 
Soon you will feel 
Nothing for me any longer 
And that will feel 
Like relief. 
You do not look to me
To soothe your ache. 
I want to believe it isn’t me 
That friends and lovers do not 
Run away screaming because 
They finally see my darkness
And so I appear to them less sane.
I thought our demons could 
Play together
And that I could have 
Your children. 
You are an illusion 
I believed into being. 

That feeling…

Have you ever felt that urge,
checking your phone every passing hour.
That rise in heartbeat when it rings,
with a new hope that its him…

That cold pain I your chest,
as if there’s something crushing.
Trying to turn around and have some rest,
And all you could do is huffing…

Have you ever felt that urge,
to just run away from everything.
Somewhere deep down far,
where no one knows who you are…

The lone winter nights with glorious dreams,
inside the blanket with the eyes that weep.
In my ears the infinite silence screams,
slowly shall we smoothly pass away in sleep…

Copyrights – Aman Sharma

I was trying to tell you I was not okay.
The pause I took to make sure that I don’t spill the truth.
The way my eyes roamed around like lost marbles.
The way goosebumps lingered around my skin like hives.
And I couldn’t keep my feet planted to the ground.
Keeping my hands in a fist inside my sweater pocket.
To try and sustain myself and hide my sweaty palms.
You only listened to the fake words that slipped out of my lips.
I guess no one ever told you that sometimes words don’t mean a thing.

In Pursuit of Happiness

I love gadgets and books and wrist watches and many more things. When I buy a gadget I want to use or a book I want to read, it feels great. But, when I think about it, I am not happier after I buy these things. There is a certain ‘basic happiness level’ which I am currently at, and I feel that this level does not increase after purchasing a desired object. And yet, I still want these objects. I’d rather have them than not have them, even though they don’t increase my level of happiness.

I noticed something similar when I compared my childhood with a kid of 14 years living next to my house. He too is equally happy and smiling like I used to be almost a decade ago, despite the fact that I didn’t had anything like cell phones, Facebook, Twitter etc. The basic level of happiness of the average teenager has not increased in the past couple of decades years, even though we have all these new technologies and gadgets that make our life easier and more comfortable. And yet, every person would rather have these new devices than not have them.

I started wondering about this, since it has been my assumption that we strive to maximize our happiness, and so if an action has no long term effects on our happiness, why take that action? If I’d rather own these devices than not own them, it means that there is some metric other than happiness that is improved by owning them. I think that metric is ‘CONTENTMENT’. I am simply more content owning these devices than not owning them.

And this concept applies not only to gadgets, but also to other aspects of life. Someone may work hard to get a promotion, build a big house, become rich, get a Nobel Prize, etc, even though after all these things are accomplished their ‘basic happiness level’ will likely not change.

What determines our happiness level is not very well understood, but after our basic survival needs are met, happiness is a function of things like brain chemistry predisposition, whether whoever you love loves you back, how well you get along with your significant other, how many close friends you have, etc.

Those things are unlikely to change just because you bought a new smartphone or a new Porsche or even because you won the Man Booker Prize. And yet, people strive for these things, not because they will be happier with the result, but because they will be more content with the result. They will be more content with themselves if they know that they have achieved what they wanted: bought a beautiful house, made partner in a firm, became CEO, won an Oscar.

People initially think that they are trying to maximize their happiness, but after a while, after achieving some early goals and not feeling happier, they realize that it’s foolish to expect to become happier when the next goal is achieved. And yet, they persist on working towards that next goal. At that point, they are simply trying to maximize their contentment. It’s just that ‘the pursuit of contentment’ is not as catchy as ‘the pursuit of happiness’.

Aman Sharma

P.S.: I am no Great writer or Literature expert or English guru. This post is just a expression of my feelings and you might find some mistakes in it as it is straight from the heart and not proof read. Please ignore the mistakes. 🙂 Thank you.

Flashback

When I recall my past, I realize that I have a history of making prompt decisions when it comes to girls, either being friend with her or fall for her. I have always fallen in love with them without measuring potential risks and outcomes.

It’s just because it’s been my tendency to assume that everyone I meet is emotionally and mentally capable of giving their best rather than seeing and assessing what’s best in them. I have fallen in love more than I can count not for the girl herself but on my assumption of her giving her best in the relationship. At the same time, I have hung on to certain relations for a long time, sometimes far too long, waiting for her to ascend to her own greatness. Many a times I have been a victim of my own optimism when it comes to relations with girls.

But finally I realized that no matter what you do, how you look like, most of the girls you will meet wont be worth it. Its not that they are bad, but its just that they have their own priorities, their own decisions, their own favorites due to which they wither ignore you or keep you as a back up option which is quite obvious. They might talk to you as if they know you for years, discuss their life, your life and even call you one of their best friends. But after a time, things changes and the long hour talks are reduced to minutes and then silence. That is when one should realize if hanging onto the relation is fruitful or not. I, in the past, have taken wrong decision, most of time at this moment, hanging onto them and finally getting hurt.

Though I repeated such instances on a constant basis but finally I can say that I have learned from my past. Though it was hard to change from a desperate guy, looking for attention from female community, trying to make an impression on them (a good one which usually ended up as a bad one). My decisions have become more mature, clear, and thoughtful than they used to be couple of years ago. I am still in the learning phase as everyone is different and who knows one odd day you might face a new and different scenario altogether.”